Two cats talk about life, their owners and their neighbors.
(Voice talents: Pamela Castillo. Jessica Bryant. Leland Campbell)
Two cats talk about life, their owners and their neighbors.
(Voice talents: Pamela Castillo. Jessica Bryant. Leland Campbell)
FADE IN:
EXT. YARD - DAY
Two cats are sitting on the wall looking out over the neighborhood.
(We hear cat fights from time to time throughout the script. Maybe even humans, dogs and traffic.)
JASMINE
This wall is great, right?
SAMANTHA
Yeah, we can see the whole neighborhood from here. Whoever invented this was a cat-loving genius. Look, I can see Ju-Ju's house right over there.
JASMINE
We can see everybody's house from here.
SAMANTHA
Plus dogs, not even the coyotes can get us up here.
They both laugh.
SAMANTHA
Hey, did you see that beady-eyed possum last night?
JASMINE
Yes I did. Cut right through my back yard, with his long ugly fingers. And that ugly snout of his is no laughing matter either.
They laugh.
SAMANTHA
I hate 'em, with a passion.
JASMINE
Yeah, they creep me out.
SAMANTHA
You know who else I can't stand? Fi-fi.
JASMINE
Fi-fi's your sister, right?
SAMANTHA
Yeah, but from a different litter. They treat her so much better than me. When she poops on the floor its cute, when I poop on the floor they chase me with a broom.
JASMINE
Well she is a kitten, you're like, five?
SAMANTHA
Four Jasmine! How many times do I have to tell you, I'm only four!
JASMINE
Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
SAMANTHA
I didn't mean to yell at you like that. It's just that I... feel like I'm getting up in age.
JASMINE
Well we all are.
SAMANTHA
Easy for you to say, with your silky coat and fresh breath.
JASMINE
I'm just really fortunate to have great humans.
SAMANTHA
Oh, and I have crappy humans?
JASMINE
No, that's not what I meant.
SAMANTHA
I know, I'm just messing with you.
JASMINE
Oh look, here comes Henry.
SAMANTHA
You kind of like him don't you?
JASMINE
No. He's got a nice tail and his whiskers are nice and long, but--
SAMANTHA
You like him. I see how your eyes dilate when he's around.
HENRY
Hey Jasmine, Samantha, what's up?
SAMANTHA
We are. Come on up.
Henry grunts as he scales the wall.
HENRY
Don't... mind... if I... do.
He sits next to Jasmine and Samantha.
JASMINE
You okay, Henry?
HENRY
Yeah, why do you ask?
JASMINE
Well, you were grunting like you've got worms or something.
HENRY
No, just a little sore. Got into a fight with that big Tabby down the street.
SAMANTHA
Oh, you mean Orca?
HENRY
I don't remember what her name was.
SAMANTHA
So Henry.
Henry is too busy scratching to hear her.
SAMANTHA
(louder)
Henry.
No response, just more intense scratching and biting.
SAMANTHA
Henry!
HENRY
What Samantha, what? Don't you see me scratching here?
SAMANTHA
Yes. The licking I understand, but why you scratching so much?
HENRY
Because I itch Samantha. Thanks to these fleas, ticks and an ugly rash I got from that Calico down the street.
SAMANTHA
Yeah, you gotta be careful these days.
HENRY
Now you tell me.
JASMINE
Hey look, there goes that mangy mutt, Bowser.
HENRY
His name is Bruiser, Jasmine, Bruiser.
JASMINE
Whatever. He's still a mutt. Why do dog's have it so much better than we do? Their humans take 'em out for walks and everything.
SAMANTHA
They can walk all they want. I don't want no leash around my neck.
HENRY
Me either. I don't like collars or bandannas either. It's demoralizing.
JASMINE
But why do they hate us so much? The dogs?
HENRY
I don't know, probably because we're so much cuter than they are.
SAMANTHA
Not only are we extremely cute, but we're regal. I heard a human say that once.
HENRY
What's regal?
SAMANTHA
I'm not sure.
HENRY
Regal is good though, right?
SAMANTHA
...I hope so.
HENRY
You know what else I hate about dogs? They never cover up after they doody pa-poody. I mean what's with this raging bull-like mentality? That's not covering up anything, just ripping up perfectly good grass. Grass I don't feel comfortable rolling around in anymore.
JASMINE
And they're so loud, barking all hours of the night, and for what?
SAMANTHA
And they breath hard too. Toungs always hanging out their mouths like they just ran a country mile or something.
HENRY
And they never ever lick themselves, very unclean animals, those dogs.
JASMINE
And they think they're all cool riding around in the car with their ugly heads sticking out the window.
(imitating dog)
Oh, look at me and my owner in the car. We're so hot... and regal.
SAMANTHA
I don't like riding in cars, but whenever I'm sick they put me in one. I have to ride in one of those kennel things. Right then and there I know I'm headed for that white place.
JASMINE
Heaven?
SAMANTHA
No, that place where you wait for three hours just so some strange human can look in your ears, your mouth, even your eyes. Sometimes their hands are cold.
HENRY
I know where you're talking about. Sometimes they hold you down while they stick you with that sharp pointy thing. Ouch.
SAMANTHA
But you know what, I always feel better in a day or two.
HENRY
Yeah, me too.
JASMINE
What are you saying, those strange humans are responsible for making you your sickness go away?
SAMANTHA
I'm not saying anything, but it could be something to it.
HENRY
Believe me, it's just a coincidence. That's all it is. Look at Jasmine over here, you never gets sick, do you?
JASMINE
I get a little heartburn now and then, that's about it.
HENRY
Yeah I can tell you're in pretty good shape.
JASMINE
So you've noticed?
HENRY
Well I can see you from my window. Your humans feed you well. You're always stretching, running, playing. You're okay too Samantha, it's just that you stay in the house most of the time laying in your human's lap.
SAMANTHA
And what's wrong with that?
HENRY
Nothing. I just meant--
SAMANTHA
Are you calling me a lap cat?
HENRY
(defensive)
No. No, I said no such thing.
JASMINE
Leave her alone, Henry. Just let her live her life, will you?
HENRY
Okay okay. Sheez. You make a comment around here and you get flambasted.
JASMINE
I think you mean flustered.
HENRY
Yeah, that's what I meant, flustered.
SAMANTHA
Well it's getting late, almost time to eat.
JASMINE
Yeah!
HENRY
What are your humans feeding you?
SAMANTHA
I just hope it's not that hard and cheap stuff. Upset my stomach so bad I only slept fourteen hours yesterday.
JASMINE
I hope I'm getting tuna tonight. You can never go wrong with tuna.
HENRY
Well maybe I'll see you girls later on. If they let me out that is.
JASMINE
Okay, see you Henry.
Henry makes grunting noises as he climbs down the wall.
Henry begins to walk away.
HENRY
Goodnight Jasmine. And Samantha, lap cat or not, you look good for five.
JASMINE
She's four Henry! How many times do we have to tell you, she's only four!
SAMANTHA
Thanks for taking up for me.
JASMINE
No problem.
SAMANTHA
Do you think I'm a lap cat?
JASMINE
Look, I understand how warm and comforting a human's lap can be. I remember when I was a kitten how they used to baby-talk to me.
SAMANTHA
So I'm a kitten?
JASMINE
No, that's not--
SAMANTHA
They baby-talk to me. Maybe my humans just love me more, ever think of that?
JASMINE
Yes, maybe that's true.
Long beat.
SAMANTHA
Seriously though, do you consider me a lap cat?
JASMINE
Yes. Everyone knows, everyone agrees, but it's not necessarily a bad thing.
SAMANTHA
Everybody?
JASMINE
Yeah. Puffy. Ju-ju. Taffy. Byron.
SAMANTHA
Taffy and Byron know? They live three blocks over.
JASMINE
Yeah, but you know how word travels around here.
SAMANTHA
That big mouth Henry. I aught-ta--
JASMINE
Don't threaten my man.
SAMANTHA
Oh, so now that he gave you a few compliments, he's your man?
JASMINE
no, not yet, but soon.
SAMANTHA
Just don't let him ruin our friendship, okay?
JASMINE
Yeah. Okay.
A woman calls from a distance.
JASMIN'S HUMAN (O.S.)
Jasmine!
JASMINE
I'd better go.
Jasmine climbs down the wall.
SAMANTHA
Same time tomorrow?
JASMINE
Yeah.
Jasmine leaves.
SAMANTHA'S HUMAN (O.S.)
Samantha!
SAMANTHA
(to herself)
Alright, time to eat.
(happy)
Then, it's lap time and a little baby-talk. Eat your hearts out, you jealous cats.
FADE OUT.
THE END.