Skitz-O-Phonics

Lap Cats

August 05, 2021 eArL (E.J.) Hamilton Season 1 Episode 2
Skitz-O-Phonics
Lap Cats
Show Notes Transcript

Two cats talk about life, their owners and their neighbors.
(Voice talents:  Pamela Castillo.  Jessica Bryant.  Leland Campbell)

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FADE IN:

 EXT. YARD - DAY

Two cats are sitting on the wall looking out over the neighborhood.

(We hear cat fights from time to time throughout the script.  Maybe even humans, dogs and traffic.)

JASMINE

This wall is great, right?

SAMANTHA

Yeah, we can see the whole neighborhood from here. Whoever invented this was a cat-loving genius. Look, I can see Ju-Ju's house right over there.

JASMINE

We can see everybody's house from here. 

SAMANTHA

Plus dogs, not even the coyotes can get us up here.

They both laugh.

SAMANTHA

Hey, did you see that beady-eyed possum last night?

JASMINE

Yes I did. Cut right through my back yard, with his long ugly fingers. And that ugly snout of his is no laughing matter either.

They laugh.

SAMANTHA

I hate 'em, with a passion.

JASMINE

Yeah, they creep me out. 

SAMANTHA

You know who else I can't stand? Fi-fi.

JASMINE

Fi-fi's your sister, right?

SAMANTHA

Yeah, but from a different litter. They treat her so much better than me. When she poops on the floor its cute, when I poop on the floor they chase me with a broom.

JASMINE

Well she is a kitten, you're like, five?

SAMANTHA

Four Jasmine! How many times do I have to tell you, I'm only four!

JASMINE

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. 

SAMANTHA

I didn't mean to yell at you like that. It's just that I... feel like I'm getting up in age.

JASMINE

Well we all are.

SAMANTHA

Easy for you to say, with your silky coat and fresh breath.

JASMINE

I'm just really fortunate to have great humans.

SAMANTHA

Oh, and I have crappy humans?

JASMINE

No, that's not what I meant.

SAMANTHA

I know, I'm just messing with you.

JASMINE

Oh look, here comes Henry.

SAMANTHA

You kind of like him don't you?

JASMINE

No. He's got a nice tail and his whiskers are nice and long, but--

SAMANTHA

You like him. I see how your eyes dilate when he's around.

HENRY

Hey Jasmine, Samantha, what's up?

SAMANTHA

We are. Come on up.

Henry grunts as he scales the wall.  

HENRY

Don't... mind... if I... do.

He sits next to Jasmine and Samantha.

JASMINE

You okay, Henry?

HENRY

Yeah, why do you ask?

JASMINE

Well, you were grunting like you've got worms or something.

HENRY

No, just a little sore. Got into a fight with that big Tabby down the street.

SAMANTHA

Oh, you mean Orca?

HENRY

I don't remember what her name was.

SAMANTHA

So Henry.

Henry is too busy scratching to hear her.

SAMANTHA

(louder)

Henry.

No response, just more intense scratching and biting.

SAMANTHA

Henry!

HENRY

What Samantha, what? Don't you see me scratching here?

SAMANTHA

Yes. The licking I understand, but why you scratching so much?

HENRY

Because I itch Samantha. Thanks to these fleas, ticks and an ugly rash I got from that Calico down the street.

SAMANTHA

Yeah, you gotta be careful these days.

HENRY

Now you tell me.

JASMINE

Hey look, there goes that mangy mutt, Bowser.

HENRY

His name is Bruiser, Jasmine, Bruiser.

JASMINE

Whatever. He's still a mutt. Why do dog's have it so much better than we do? Their humans take 'em out for walks and everything.

SAMANTHA

They can walk all they want. I don't want no leash around my neck.

HENRY

Me either. I don't like collars or bandannas either. It's demoralizing. 

JASMINE

But why do they hate us so much? The dogs?

HENRY

I don't know, probably because we're so much cuter than they are.

SAMANTHA

Not only are we extremely cute, but we're regal. I heard a human say that once.

HENRY

What's regal?

SAMANTHA

I'm not sure.

HENRY

Regal is good though, right?

SAMANTHA

...I hope so.

HENRY

You know what else I hate about dogs? They never cover up after they doody pa-poody. I mean what's with this raging bull-like mentality? That's not covering up anything, just ripping up perfectly good grass. Grass I don't feel comfortable rolling around in anymore.

JASMINE

And they're so loud, barking all hours of the night, and for what? 

SAMANTHA

And they breath hard too. Toungs always hanging out their mouths like they just ran a country mile or something.

HENRY

And they never ever lick themselves, very unclean animals, those dogs.

JASMINE

And they think they're all cool riding around in the car with their ugly heads sticking out the window.

(imitating dog)

Oh, look at me and my owner in the car. We're so hot... and regal.

SAMANTHA

I don't like riding in cars, but whenever I'm sick they put me in one. I have to ride in one of those kennel things. Right then and there I know I'm headed for that white place.

JASMINE

Heaven?

SAMANTHA

No, that place where you wait for three hours just so some strange human can look in your ears, your mouth, even your eyes. Sometimes their hands are cold.

HENRY

I know where you're talking about. Sometimes they hold you down while they stick you with that sharp pointy thing. Ouch. 

SAMANTHA

But you know what, I always feel better in a day or two.

HENRY

Yeah, me too.

JASMINE

What are you saying, those strange humans are responsible for making you your sickness go away? 

SAMANTHA

I'm not saying anything, but it could be something to it.

HENRY

Believe me, it's just a coincidence. That's all it is. Look at Jasmine over here, you never gets sick, do you?

JASMINE

I get a little heartburn now and then, that's about it.

HENRY

Yeah I can tell you're in pretty good shape.

JASMINE

So you've noticed?

HENRY

Well I can see you from my window. Your humans feed you well. You're always stretching, running, playing. You're okay too Samantha, it's just that you stay in the house most of the time laying in your human's lap.

SAMANTHA

And what's wrong with that?

HENRY

Nothing. I just meant--

SAMANTHA

Are you calling me a lap cat?

HENRY

(defensive)

No. No, I said no such thing.

JASMINE

Leave her alone, Henry. Just let her live her life, will you?

HENRY

Okay  okay. Sheez. You make a comment around here and you get flambasted.

JASMINE

I think you mean flustered.

HENRY

Yeah, that's what I meant, flustered.

SAMANTHA

Well it's getting late, almost time to eat.

JASMINE

Yeah!

HENRY

What are your humans feeding you?

SAMANTHA

I just hope it's not that hard and cheap stuff. Upset my stomach so bad I only slept fourteen hours yesterday.

JASMINE

I hope I'm getting tuna tonight. You can never go wrong with tuna.

HENRY

Well maybe I'll see you girls later on. If they let me out that is.

JASMINE

Okay, see you Henry.

Henry makes grunting noises as he climbs down the wall. 

Henry begins to walk away.

HENRY

Goodnight Jasmine. And Samantha, lap cat or not, you look good for five.

JASMINE

She's four Henry! How many times do we have to tell you, she's only four!

SAMANTHA

Thanks for taking up for me.

JASMINE

No problem.

SAMANTHA

Do you think I'm a lap cat?

JASMINE

Look, I understand how warm and comforting a human's lap can be. I remember when I was a kitten how they used to baby-talk to me. 

SAMANTHA

So I'm a kitten?

JASMINE

No, that's not--

SAMANTHA

They baby-talk to me. Maybe my humans just love me more, ever think of that?

JASMINE

Yes, maybe that's true.

Long beat.

SAMANTHA

Seriously though, do you consider me a lap cat?

JASMINE

Yes. Everyone knows, everyone agrees, but it's not necessarily a bad thing.

SAMANTHA

Everybody?

JASMINE

Yeah. Puffy. Ju-ju. Taffy. Byron.

SAMANTHA

Taffy and Byron know? They live three blocks over.

JASMINE

Yeah, but you know how word travels around here.

SAMANTHA

That big mouth Henry. I aught-ta--

JASMINE

Don't threaten my man.

SAMANTHA

Oh, so now that he gave you a few compliments, he's your man?

JASMINE

no, not yet, but soon.

SAMANTHA

Just don't let him ruin our friendship, okay?

JASMINE

Yeah. Okay. 

A woman calls from a distance.

JASMIN'S HUMAN (O.S.)

Jasmine!

JASMINE

I'd better go.

Jasmine climbs down the wall.

SAMANTHA

Same time tomorrow?

JASMINE

Yeah.

Jasmine leaves.

SAMANTHA'S HUMAN (O.S.)

Samantha!

SAMANTHA

(to herself)

Alright, time to eat.

(happy)

Then, it's lap time and a little baby-talk. Eat your hearts out, you jealous cats.

FADE OUT.

THE END.