Skitz-O-Phonics

The La-Quarious Brown Show - "Red-man"

August 05, 2021 eArL (E.J.) Hamilton Season 1 Episode 3
Skitz-O-Phonics
The La-Quarious Brown Show - "Red-man"
Show Notes Transcript

Show host, La-Quarious Brown interviews a strange but successful red man.
(Voice talents:  E.J. Hamilton.  Masahiro Kamada)

Support the show

FADE IN:

INT. TALK SHOW STUDIO - STAGE - NIGHT

THEME MUSIC PLAYS.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Hello, good evening and how ya doin'
                      everybody?!

CROWD APPLAUDS.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Welcome to La-Quarious Brown Show.

CROWD APPLAUDS.

MUSIC FADES OUT.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      I'm not going talk about politics
                      tonight because politics is
                      depressing, it's boring and
                      monotonous. If you turn on the news
                      right now or any given moment
                      they're gonna be talking about what
                      the president tweeted about, what
                      North Korea is threatening to do or
                      why our pubic schools are so lousy.
                      So instead let's talk about... Me. 

CROWD APPLAUDS.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Lately I've not been sleeping well
                      at night so the doctor gave me this
                      mask to wear. I don't know much
                      about docotrism but I'm still trying
                      to figure out how wearing a mask of
                      Hillary Clinton is supposed to make
                      me sleep.

Rim-shot.

SINGLE ODD LAUGH FROM AUDIENCE.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      I actually found a solution myself,
                      I just put a picture of my ex-wife
                      on the nightstand. I'm not saying
                      she was boring, but every time she
                      wanted to make out I made sure I
                      brought my handheld Scrabble game.

Rim-shot.

SINGLE ODD LAUGH FROM AUDIENCE.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      (to studio audience)
                      
                      No but seriously... 

Rim-shot.

SINGLE ODD LAUGH FROM AUDIENCE.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Actually I'm feelin' pretty good,
                      lookin' good. We're having good
                      weather, lovely weather. I'm from
                      Pittsburgh so any weather outside of
                      Pittsburgh is 
                      (Tony the Tiger)
                      
                      grrrrreat! 

Rim-shot.

SINGLE ODD LAUGH FROM AUDIENCE.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Thank you sir. I encourage you all
                      to drink.

Rim-shot.

SINGLE ODD LAUGH FROM AUDIENCE.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      I'm guessing many of you listening
                      on your radios have figured out that
                      I'm black by now, maybe not by my
                      deep rich soulful voice or my super
                      cool swagger, but by my name. Yes,
                      La-Quarious is somewhat unique,
                      unlike Justin, Conner or Seth, yet
                      far from Tyrone, Ottis or Malik. But
                      you have to admit, La-Quarious is
                      smooth, classy, it has soul.

country MUSIC PLAYS.

Crowd laughs.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Yeah, who needs a stinkin' high
                      priced band when I can use my back
                      woods nephew for free. Back in my
                      days we used two turntables and a
                      drum machine, I don't know what he's
                      got over there, a cell phone and a
                      thumb drive or something. Show 'em
                      what you got Cleatis!
MUSIC PLAYS.

Crowd applauds.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      How'd you like that? Funky, right?

Crowd applauds.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Alright, enough about me, my nephew
                      and my ex-wife, on with the show!

Crowd applauds.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Tonight we have the CEO of Dark
                      Platter, a company who's success
                      through the extraordinary vision of
                      an extraordinary man has sky-rocked
                      into the stratosphere. Let's all
                      welcome Norph... 
                      (struggling with name)
                      
                      olo...pus?

The audience APPLAUDS as a man walks out on stage, a weird
looking man with a long pointed nose and small horns
protruding out of his head. His eyes are dilated, skin tone
apple red. He waves and smiles then shakes hands with the
host.  

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Hey Dan, how ya doin'?

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      I'm good. Welcome to the show Mr.
                      Norph... olop--

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Just call me Norph, all my friends
                      call me Norph.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Okay, I will but I must ask, how do
                      you pronounce your entire first
                      name?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Norph-o-lop-us. Norpholopus.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      That is a very interesting name,
                      where did that come from?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Me, I named myself. 

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      I assume you changed your name, as
                      soon as you turned eighteen?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      No, this is my birth name. At birth
                      I named myself Norpholopus.

The talk show host looks bamboozled.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Okayyyy. So does it have a meaning
                      behind it or--

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      No, not at all.

Now we notice his sharp TEETH.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      (to audience)
                      
                      I'm going to be perfectly honest
                      with you all, I've never met this
                      man until now. And with no intention
                      of being rude or offensive, I must
                      say you have some rather interesting
                      characteristics; the sharp-looking
                      teeth, the long pointed tail, horns
                      on your head, the red skin.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Do I scare you?

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      No. Yes, I'm terrified.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Okay, let me just put everybody's
                      mind at ease, yes I know I may look
                      like or remind you of this mythical
                      evil guy with a pitch fork and
                      pointed tail, but what I have is a
                      rare disease called Satan-o
                      dramadus.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Wow, I've never heard of that
                      before.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Not many people have Dan, there's
                      only six of us and everyone seems to
                      fear us.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      There's only six like you in the
                      whole world?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Yes Dan, six, six-six-six! Wow, that
                      sounded rather satanic didn't it. I
                      didn't mean anything by it, it was a
                      very bad choice of... numbers. But
                      it's true, all six of us live in
                      Washington DC., except me, I'm from
                      Texas. Fortworth.

Norpholopus stands up with an angry look as he faces the
audience.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      I said I'm from Fortworth Texas!

Everyone CHEERS and APPLAUDS. Norpholopus sits down.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Fear can actually be a good thing.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      So I imagine it's difficult just
                      going to the grocery store, to the
                      movies, getting gas without people
                      making some sort of rude comment
                      about the way you look.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      You have no idea how hard it is
                      trying to fit in without some F_ _
                      kin' turd pointing and yelling,
                      "Ahh, it's him, it's the prince of
                      darkness!! Ahh, it's Satan!!"
                      Believe me, it gets old real fast.
                      But they're stupid and will burn in
                      hell, I promise.

The talk show host is at a lost of words.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      So Norph, what exactly is Dark
                      Platter, some people, including
                      myself may not know what that is,
                      can you explain what it's all about?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Yes, well you've heard of Black
                      People Meet.com, Christian Meet.com,
                      well I decided to come out with Dark
                      Platter.com, originally it was named
                      atheist.com but that proved to be
                      way too controversial so we change
                      the name.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Understandably so, because when most
                      people hear the word atheist they're
                      probably thinking evil. You guys
                      aren't like that at all... are you?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Absolutely not, we're just a
                      different group that thinks
                      differently. You monotheisms aren't
                      the only ones who like to get laid. 

Norpholopus chuckles.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      ...Okay. So let's talk about your
                      company.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      You know there's probably more
                      atheist in the world than jugglers,
                      certified jugglers. As a matter or
                      fact your producer is an atheist.
                      (waves to someone offstage)
                      
                      Hey Nancy. Thanks for gettin' me on.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      That is fascinating. 

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      We don't just coddle our success, we
                      believe in giving back to the
                      community, we've contributed a
                      generous amount of money to Catholic
                      priest everywhere, not to mention
                      the Republican Party and the KKK,
                      that's the Kolored Kids of Kentucky,
                      not those other a-holes. They may be
                      atheist but they're no friend of
                      mine.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Did you say Kolored Kids of
                      Kentucky?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Yes I did--

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      But you don't--

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Noooo, but hey it's not my company,
                      I have no idea why they spell
                      Kolored with a "K," all I know is
                      this organization is doing good
                      things for colored kids, black,
                      brown and red, so I'm all in. But I
                      am going to talk to them about a
                      possible name change though, KKK
                      Doesn't quite sit well with me and
                      my conglomerates.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Thank you, please do that. So what
                      were you, what was your profession
                      before you invented Dark Platter?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Okay, let me just put this out
                      there, I was unemployed for a while
                      and got into a bit of trouble...
                      with the law. I did the crime, I did
                      my time, that's all I really want to
                      say about that.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Very well. Now your company has sky
                      rocketed to success in a very short
                      period of time, you've made thirteen
                      million dollars this quarter alone.
                      How is it that your company became
                      successful so fast?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      It wasn't about a brilliant
                      marketing campaign, it wasn't
                      because I had a lot of money to
                      invest in it because of a law suit.
                      It was because I was fearless, I
                      wasn't afraid to take that chance.
                      Yes, atheist is a four-letter word,
                      but I embraced that embodiment and
                      forged forward, launched my company
                      and here I am, sitting with you on
                      national TV in an eight thousand
                      dollar suit.

Norpholopus stands up and the audience CHEERS and APPLAUDS.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Only in America baby, only in
                      America!

Norpholopus sits down.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Wow, I don't believe I've ever seen
                      a eight thousand dollar suit before.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      It's not an eight thousand dollars
                      Dan, but when you're rich everybody
                      assumes everything you have and wear
                      is expensive. See this ring, I bet
                      you think it's very expensive,
                      costume jewelry. This suit, twelve
                      ninety-nine.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Twelve dollars and ninety-nine
                      cents?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      That's right, I'm rich and I intend
                      to stay that way!

The audience CHEERS and APPLAUDS. Norpholopus stands up.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Only in America baby, only in
                      America!

Norpholopus sits down and takes a drink from his container.
Some of the liquid spills, it looks like blood.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      That looks like... No, please tell
                      me that's not what I think it is.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      What do you think it is?

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Blood?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      That's wild Dan, blood?
                      (laughs)
                      
                      You really think I'm going to drink
                      blood... on a talk show?

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      I'm sorry, I'm a terrible host, who
                      in their right mind would accuse
                      anyone, let alone their guest of
                      drinking blood in front of a live
                      audience? Please accept my
                      apologies, that was very
                      unprofessional of me, it won't
                      happen again.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      It's all good Dan you don't have to
                      get all soft and gooey and on me.
                      But tell the truth, you really want
                      to know what I'm drinking, right?

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      No, actually it's none of my busin--

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      It's horse plasma.

Dan GASPS. The audience GASPS.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      I'm joking.
                      (beat)
                      
                      It's monkey plasma.

Norpholopus laughs, then the host joins in.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      That was a good one. You have a
                      great sense of humor.

Norpholopus chuckles as he takes another drink from his
container, this time the liquid is GREEN.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      (scared)
                      
                      Okay that's not funny?!

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      What? What happened?

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Am I going crazy or did your drink
                      just change colors?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      What do you mean?

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      The first time you took a drink it
                      was red, now it's green.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      That's right.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Yeah... but how?--

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      It's imported.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Yeah but that doesn't explain how it
                      changed colors.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      You're right, it doesn't, all I know
                      is it's delicious. A thousand
                      dollars an ounce delicous.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Ha, you almost got me again.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      No, it really does cost a thousand
                      dollars an ounce.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Wow.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Wanna taste Dan?

Dan is very hesitant.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Ahh... I'm... not... no. No I'm
                      going to pass on this one.

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      You sure? Just as yourself, when
                      will I get another opportunity to
                      drink an expensive exotic drink like
                      this again?

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Wait, is it bubbling?

NORPHOLOPUS
                      
                      Yeah what do you expect, for that
                      kind of money it's not just gonna
                      sit there.

LA-QUARIOUS BROWN
                      
                      Ladies and gentlemen that's going to
                      do it for us tonight. Thanks to our
                      very special guest Norpholopus and
                      each and every one of you for tuning
                      in. Good night and we'll see you
                      next time on the La-Quarious Brown
                      Show!

THEME MUSIC PLAYS.
                                        
                                        FADE OUT.