Skitz-O-Phonics

The La-Quarious Brown Show - "Eat 'em up"

August 10, 2021 eArL (E.J.) Hamilton Season 1 Episode 11
Skitz-O-Phonics
The La-Quarious Brown Show - "Eat 'em up"
Show Notes Transcript

Show host La-Quarious Brown interviews an extreme anti-vegetarian activist.
(Voice talents:  E.J. Hamilton.  Ojinga Sims)

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 FADE IN:

INT. TALK SHOW STUDIO - STAGE - NIGHT

SHOW MUSIC PLAYS

LA-QUARIOUS

Hello, good evening and how ya doin' everybody?! 

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

La-Quarious comes out on stage.

LA-QUARIOUS

Welcome to the La-Quarious Brown show with me, La-Quarious Brown.

APPLAUDS & MUSIC FADE OUT

LA-QUARIOUS

I don't know if you can tell but I've lost some weight lately, ten pounds so far. 

APPLAUDS

LA-QUARIOUS

Thank you. There is no punch-line I just wanted to brag a bit.

RIM-SHOT

LA-QUARIOUS

As you all may know I try my best to stay away from politics but I must say this is a very important matter worth talking about. The United States, Russia, North Korea and China all had a big meeting the other night, via Skype, they discussed a lot of things and they argued over a lot of things, such as missiles, hacking, tariffs, five hours later they were only able to agree on one thing and one thing only, that next year Golden State will win the NBA championship again.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

LA-QUARIOUS

Who loves women?!

CROWD CHEERING/WHISTLING

LA-QUARIOUS

That's what I thought. I like women too, with a passion... not with a stalking-like passion but you know, they're great... to look at.

RIM-SHOT

AUDIENCE BOOS

LA-QUARIOUS

Wait a minute, let me finish...

(thinking...)

They're great to look at and also... great... to... talk to. See if you give me a chance I can take my foot out my mouth.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

LA-QUARIOUS



So like I was saying, I was on the prowl you might say, looking for a new lady in my life. I have to say, 'm pretty picky but I don't necessarily have high standards if that makes any sense at all. But I do like mature women, if she doesn't know who Bootsy, Sade or Public Enemy is she's probably too young. But if she's always bringing up John Lee Hooker, Mr. Ed or anything related to ragtime... she's definitely too old. 

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

LA-QUARIOUS

I wanted a good-looking woman with teeth but without the cat-whiskers and glittered face.

RIM-SHOT

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

LA-QUARIOUS

Somewhere in between you know what I mean? It took a while but I finally found her, and now I'm engaged.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

LA-QUARIOUS

Thank you. Wow, I think you're more excited than I am. To be perfectly honest I'm scared. I know I know I should be happy, and I am, but I'm also scared, scared and happy, I'm "scappy."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

LA-QUARIOUS

What am I scared about? Well soon after I got engaged I thought I'd do a little charity work so I started volunteering at a homeless shelter. I talked to a lot of homeless men... Yeah, that's why I'm scared. 

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

LA-QUARIOUS

But I'm trying not to let their escape from oppression influence me too much, I mean I'm not them and they're not me, right? I have a beautiful woman who makes me laugh, makes me feel good, and even though I'm scrappy at the moment, she is the love of my life.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

LA-QUARIOUS

We have great conversation, we both hate reality shows we both love football, everything is great.

CELL PHONE RINGS

LA-QUARIOUS

Everybody knows not to call me at this time unless it's an emergency. Excuse me.

La_Quarious takes out his cell phone and looks at the display then answers it.

LA-QUARIOUS

Hey sweetheart what's up, I'm in the middle of my monolog... What's wrong, why you crying?... 

(loud whispering)

Well why were you going through my things in the first place?... Why are you yelling?... I was going to tell you about those but... Look, can we talk about this when I get home, I'm right in the middle... Okay I'm sorry but... No don't... Please don't put my things out on the sidewalk... Hello? Hello?!

La-Quarious is flustered as he hangs up his cell phone.

LA-QUARIOUS

(sad, to the audience)

Sorry you had to hear that. Well you can guess what that was all about, right? Yeah, my mom found my videos.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

LA-QUARIOUS

Sometimes you just have to dance your sorrows away.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC ENDS

LA-QUARIOUS

(to audience)

Thank you Cleatis. That was my nephew, my band. I feel much better now. So you ready to get this show on the road?!

AUDIENCE CHEERS


LA-QUARIOUS

Well then, let's bring out our first and only guest. You may have seen him on TV shows such as Twisted Pepper and Yellow Frostbite, he's been on numerous radio shows across the nation and has even authored a new book. Let's welcome Matthew Shawmichael.

MUSIC PLAYS

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Out walks a woman or man dressed in overalls, old boots and a toothpick in their mouth. They greet each other then the guest sits down.

MUSIC STOPS

LA-QUARIOUS

So how's it going Matthew?

MATTHEW

It's Mat.

LA-QUARIOUS

Okay, sorry Mat. The last thing I want to do is upset a guy with huge lumberjack arms.

MATTHEW

Mat is short for Mateline.

LA-QUARIOUS

Oh. I'm terribly sorry, I thought... Boy I feel...--

MATTHEW

Gotcha.

(laughing)

You thought I was a woman! I'm not!

LA-QUARIOUS

(forces out a chuckle)

Yeah you got me alright.

MATTHEW

I just wanted to prove to everybody that I have a sense of humor.

LA-QUARIOUS

Well that you do Mat, that you do.

MATTHEW

Call me Matthew.

LA-QUARIOUS

So how's life for you these days?

MATTHEW

Everything is really good lately. How about yourself? Heard you might be homeless.

LA-QUARIOUS

Yeah, that's the way it looks right now.

MATTHEW

(chuckles)

Hey, you can always crash at my place.

LA-QUARIOUS

Really?

MATTHEW

No.

(laughing)

I gotcha again!

La-Quarious forces out another chuckle.

MATTHEW

Why don' you just move in with your fiance'?

LA-QUARIOUS

Hey, now that's a good idea--

CELL PHONE RINGS

LA-QUARIOUS

(scared)

I'm not answering that. My mom probably called my fiance' and told her about those videos.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

LA-QUARIOUS

I like your shoes. They are definitely unique.

MATTHEW

Gat-uma.

LA-QUARIOUS

What is that a brand name?

MATTHEW

Gator and Puma, Gat-uma.

LA-QUARIOUS

Did you say Puma?

MATTHEW

Yes I did, and gator. Gat-uma.

LA-QUARIOUS

I've heard of alligator shoes, but Puma? Sounds... illegal.

MATTHEW

(ignoring)

So you had some questions for me?

LA-QUARIOUS

Yes, right. I know very talented people who have been writing for years and years and have never had their book on a best sellers list, but here you are, proving to everyone that no matter who you are or where you are you can achieve and succeed if you put your mind to it. Congratulations on being on the best sellers list.

MATTHEW

Thanks, it feel's great but that's cellar with a "C," it didn't do as well as we'd hope but I'm still proud as mama badger in a den full of healthy pups.

LA-QUARIOUS

I'm so sorry I don't have a copy of your book on hand,

(yells to someone off-camera)

You're fired Lisa!

(calmly to Matthew)


So what is the name of your book?

MATTHEW

It's called California is Meat-country so don't Vegi-state.

(chuckles)

It's kind of a play on words. Not vegetate but vegi-state.

LA-QUARIOUS

Oh right.

(chuckles)

MATTHEW

What I'm trying to get people to understand is that vegetarians may look all meek and docile but they're actually very dangerous. They're dangerous to our society, community and our neighborhoods. Vegetarians are literally putting humans on the endangered species list.

LA-QUARIOUS

Now how is that so?

MATTHEW

Well they're nut-jobs okay, illiterate whack-o's who don't know their heads from their elbows. They, for some reason believe animals have rights and should not be eaten.

LA-QUARIOUS

And you believe animals should have rights?

MATTHEW

That's correct. I mean they serve no purpose other than to feed us, and maybe keep our feet warm at night. But mostly they just roam the land stinkin' up the place. So ask yourself, how are they contributing to our planet? They don't pay taxes of any kind, they don't--

LA-QUARIOUS

Well we have service dogs for people who need them, companion pets have been a tremendous help for all kinds of people young and old.

MATTHEW

La-Quarious, have you ever stopped to think what would happen if we stopped eating animals?

LA-QUARIOUS

No, I can't say I have.

MATTHEW

Well if you've ever seen any of the Jurassic movies, that there tells ya the whole entire story. 

LA-QUARIOUS

(confused)

I'm not sure I follow you.

MATTHEW

Do I have to spell it out for you Ra-ka-loka--

LA-QUARIOUS

It's La-Quarious and yes, I'm afraid you do have to spell it out for me.

MATTHEW

MATTHEW

Well look at it like this, if we don't eat these animals we'll be overrun by these wild beasts, up to our eyeballs in beef and poultry, Animal control is the only way, on a world-wide scale. I know it may seem cruel and unjust but that's the way the world turns.

LA-QUARIOUS

Okay so I take it you don't have any pets?

MATTHEW

No, not anymore.

Uneasy pause.

LA-QUARIOUS

...I hope you're not saying... you ate them.

MATTHEW

I'm not saying anything that's going to incriminate myself.

LA-QUARIOUS

So you've written a book, do you have any other plans in the works to promote your cause?

MATTHEW

Well I met some talented guys at the swap meat a while back, we got to talkin' and we kinda teamed up, they're designin' me a... whatcha call that thing... ahh... oh yeah a website, and some kind of app that goes on your phone. I'm not trying to get rich or anything but I have a feeling it's gonna be bigger than hog  head cheese.

LA-QUARIOUS

Well I have to say you certainly are passionate about your... movement.

MATTHEW

I certainly sure am. If you believe in global warming you should also take this very serious.

LA-QUARIOUS

Well that's going to do it for us tonight. 

OUTRO MUSIC

I'd like to thank our guest Matthew Shawmichael. I also want to thank each and every one of you for tuning in. 

MATTHEW

Hey hey, I do want to say this,

(to audience)

everybody, unless you want an apocalyptic takeover, please do your part by eating at least one animal per week, start tonight! Start now!

LA-QUARIOUS

Good night, keep an eye out for your pets and we'll see you next time on The La-Quarious Brown Show!

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

FADE OUT.