Skitz-O-Phonics

Kung-funny

August 12, 2021 eArL (E.J.) Hamilton Season 1 Episode 13
Skitz-O-Phonics
Kung-funny
Show Notes Transcript

Master Stank makes an unusual bet with one of his students.
(Voice talents:  Masahiro Kamada. Tahir Hubbard.)

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FADE IN:

INT. DOJO - DAY

A muscular man works out on his own doing various Kung Fu moves, styles and exercises. This is K-JOE. 

It's not long before another man walks in, he appears to be proud of the younger man and his work ethics. This is MASTER STANK. 

K-Joe abruptly stops his routine, turns and faces the older man and respectfully bows.

K-JOE

Master.

Master Stank bows back.

MASTER STANK

Over the years what have a taught you K-Joe?

K-JOE

That my technique, my balance and my mind must be as one.

MASTER STANK

What else?

K-JOE

Always look your opponent in the eyes but never gaze into them.

MASTER STANK

What else?!

K-JOE

To glide like a Falcon, be strong like an ox and quick as a thief.

MASTER STANK

I am proud of you K-Joe, you've come a long way. You are by far my best student.

K-JOE

Thank you Mater Stank. I owe it all to you. You have trained me well.

MASTER STANK

Yes I have haven't I. I remember giving you your first lesson when you were a young tender boy, now look at you...

Master stank looks at K-Joe like a starving man looks at a piece of meat.

MASTER STANK

Yes, just look at you now, from a young tender boy to a handsome stud.

K-JOE

(uncomfortable)

Maybe I'd better put my shirt on.

MASTER STANK

Yes, but do it slowly.

K-JOE

(uncomfortable)

...Yes master.

K-Joe can feel Master Stank staring at him as he puts his shirt on.

K-JOE

Ahhh, I'm done for the night so I'm gonna go ahead and head ho--

MASTER STANK

I want to have a word with you K-Joe. 

K-JOE

...Okay, I guess Rashonda will just have to wait. What's on your mind Master Stank?

MASTER STANK

Have heard rumors about me having a drinking problem?

K-JOE

Yes, I am afraid I have heard of these vicious lies.

MASTER STANK

Well the rumor is true, so are the  lies. I'm ashamed to say I have a problem. 

K-JOE

Yes, I can smell your breath from here.

MASTER STANK

I'm working on it okay!

K-JOE

I meant no disrespect master.

K-Joe bows respectfully.

MASTER STANK

You are older but you are still young, you do not know what a woman is capable of, she drove me to drink.

K-JOE

Who, your wife?

MASTER STANK

(sarcasm)

Who else would it be, my mistress?

K-JOE

No, of course not, your mistress is cool as hell, I like her.

MASTER STANK

Me too, unfortunately drinking nor my wife is not the problem I'm concerned with at the moment.

K-JOE

Then what is it, gambling, strippers, gonorrhea?

MASTER STANK

No, it's my kidney. 

K-JOE

I'm sorry to hear that master. Are you sure your excessive drin--

MASTER STANK

Yes, I'm sure! Now let's drop the alcohol and concentrate on my kidney, okay?

K-JOE

Yes, of course master.

There's a long pause as Master Stank goes into a melodramatic interlude.

MASTER STANK

I have fought many battles on and off of the mat, but this my young student is my greatest battle of them all. A battle that cannot be won with punches, kicks or grappling holds. In all my life I've never felt so weak, so venerable, so close to death.

K-JOE

Maybe you just need a laxative, or why don't you try this Kidney Flush they sell at CVS, you mix it up like a tea--

MASTER STANK

I've tried everything, teas, pills, elixirs, shots! My doctor says I'll die if I don't...! There's only one fix K-Joe.

There's a long uneasy moment of silence.

K-JOE

Why you looking at me like that? Wait a minute now, you're not asking for my... you're not asking me for my kidney are you?

MASTER STANK

No, it would not be honorable for me to do such a thing. The honorable thing would be for you to offer it to me.

K-JOE

How do you even know my kidney will be a match?

MASTER STANK

I can feel it. My chi says tells me it will.

K-JOE

Why don't you just ask your chi if you'll be okay with just one.

MASTER STANK

My left one was removed three summers ago.

K-JOE

I have the utmost respect for you Master Stank, and I owe you a lot, but it would be foolish to squander a good kidney on a bad habit. The best I do is offer you my CVS card.

MASTER STANK

I don't want your stupid CVS card you ungrateful little punk. 

K-JOE

Wait a minute now--

MASTER STANK

No you wait! I taught you everything you know and this is the thanks I get?!

K-JOE

We'll actually I've been paying you every month so you should be thanking me.

MASTER STANK

Fight me for it K-Joe.

K-JOE

Come again?

MASTER STANK

Fight me, for your kidney! 

K-JOE

I'm not going to fight you master. 

MASTER STANK

Why not, are you a coward?

K-JOE

It was you who taught me to never let anyone talk me into a fight, but always protect myself, my honor, my dignity. Never be provoked--

MASTER STANK

Shut up! Shut up and take your shirt off pretty boy!

K-JOE

Did you just call me pretty boy?

MASTER STANK

Of course not, I said pity boy, I['m not going to have pity on you. As a matter of fact I'm gonna beat you so bad your mamma won't recognize you anymore. Now take your shirt off!

K-JOE

Sorry master but I'm keeping my shirt on and my kidneys in place. I wish I could help but Rashonda's waited long enough. I gotta go.

K-Joe bows then quickly tries to exit. Before he know it, half a dozen stars come flying by his head and stick into the exit door.

K-JOE

Have you lost your meditating mind?

MASTER STANK

You have not been excused K-Joe.

K-JOE

Then why didn't you just say that, instead of throwing stars at my head.

MASTER STANK

You're not leaving here until we fight. Your girlfriend will just have to wait a little longer.

K-JOE

How many times do I have to tell you, Rashondra's not my girlfriend, she's my bi-sexual lover.

MASTER STANK

Okay, let's say we make this fight more interesting.

K-JOE

So now you wanna bet?

MASTER STANK

No, a wager. If I win I get your kidney, if I loose you can have my...

K-JOE

Car?

MASTER STANK

No. How about my niece?

K-JOE

How about your car?

MASTER STANK

I'm not betting my car okay, I'm betting my niece.

K-JOE

With all due respect master, your niece looks like a male zombie, her hands are bigger than mine. Her skin looks so rough you can sand--

MASTER STANK

Enough! You have insulted my family and dishonored my dojo, and for that I will beat you to a pulp and take it out myself. I need that kidney! Fight me K-Joe! Fight me!!

K-JOE

For your car?

MASTER STANK

Yes, okay, for my car, I'll fight you for my car.

K-JOE

You got yourself a deal old man.

K-Joe takes his shirt off. Master Stank goes into another lustful trance staring at K-Joe.

MASTER STANK

You're gonna need to take off more than that shirt if you want to beat me.

K-JOE

Excuse me.

MASTER STANK

Nothing, just finish doing what you were doing.

K-JOE

You don't mind if I warm up a little do you?

MASTER STANK

I'd be offended if you didn't.

FIGHT MUSIC PLAYS.

K-Joe goes into an impressive warm-up routine, fast and furious.

MUSIC STOPS.

MASTER STANK

Not bad. My turn.

MODERN HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS.

Master Stank goes into his warm-up routine, slow and boring that does not match the music. 

Master Stank finally finishes his warm-up.

MUSIC STOPS.

MASTER STANK

Let's dance.

They both get into a stance and square-off on each other.

K-JOE

What you are you gonna use, Drunkin' Style?

K-Joe laughs. 

MASTER STANK

I'm about to teach you a new lesson young one.

The battle begins. 

Kicks, punches, blocks and grabs.

MASTER STANK

Your combinations are fast but weak.

K-JOE

And your breath is hot and powerful. 

The fight continues, a magnificent battle between young and old, youth and wisdom.

K-JOE

I can't wait to drive that car Master Stank. I may even swoop by and pick up your niece, take her back to the zoo.

MASTER STANK

You'll never get that car K-Joe, never!

Mater Stank begins breathing hard.

K-JOE

Looks like you're running out of juice, you wanna call it?

MASTER STANK

Never have I not finished a match. And this is no excep...tion... Agh!

Master Stank grabs his side and falls to his knees.

K-JOE

Master!

K-Joe runs to his side to help.

K-JOE

What's wrong?

MASTER STANK

My kidney, I think it just ruptured.

K-JOE

I'll call the paramedics.

MASTER STANK

Okay great... you're gonna need 'em.

Master Stank puts three fingers on K-Joe's chest, paralyzing him.

K-JOE

Aghh!

MASTER STANK

I see your brain has not yet caught up with your fighting skills young student.

K-JOE

(hard to speak)

What's happening?

MASTER STANK

I have taught you much but I have not taught you everything I know.

Master Stank licks K-Joe's ear in erotic fashion.

MASTER STANK

I can lick your ear all night and there's nothing you can do about it.

K-JOE

If only I could move, I'd rip you a new--

MASTER STANK

But you can't move can you? Shhh, don't speak, the answer is no. Even if you tried to fart right now you could not.

K-JOE

What is this hold you have on me?

MASTER STANK

This move was taught to me many years ago by a strange figure I met in a dark rainy alley. I'll never forget its dark red eyes, its rough blistering palms.

K-JOE

So that's how you met your wife.

Master Stank slaps K-Joe in the face.

K-JOE

I'm sorry Master, that was a feeble attempt to to ease the awkward position and excruciating pain. 

MASTER STANK

Yes, I understand your desperation.

K-JOE

Please, tell me more about this mysterious hold you have on me.

MASTER STANK

Yes, of course of course. As I was saying, what you're feeling at the moment is called The Orange Chicken Effect, also known as The Three Finger Blackout. A perfect balance of pressure and pain.

K-JOE

(groaning in pain)

Yes I know, I know!

K-Joe taps-out. 

Master Stank smirks then releases him.

MASTER STANK

Tapping-out was the honorable thing to do.

K-Joe tries to get his breath and composure back, then bows to his master.

K-JOE

Through trickery and lies you have defeated me.

MASTER STANK

Yes, but you fought well, grown wise and gained my respect my young apprentice.

K-JOE

That hold you had on me, it was fantastic, it was perfect, and so beautiful. Teach it to me master, please, I'll do anything.

MASTER STANK

Okay, I will teach you The Three Finger Blackout, on one condition.

K-JOE

Anything Master Stank, anything.

MASTER STANK

(in pain)

You ever hear of jello-wrestling?

FADE OUT.