Master Stank makes an unusual bet with one of his students.
(Voice talents: Masahiro Kamada. Tahir Hubbard.)
Master Stank makes an unusual bet with one of his students.
(Voice talents: Masahiro Kamada. Tahir Hubbard.)
FADE IN:
INT. DOJO - DAY
A muscular man works out on his own doing various Kung Fu moves, styles and exercises. This is K-JOE.
It's not long before another man walks in, he appears to be proud of the younger man and his work ethics. This is MASTER STANK.
K-Joe abruptly stops his routine, turns and faces the older man and respectfully bows.
K-JOE
Master.
Master Stank bows back.
MASTER STANK
Over the years what have a taught you K-Joe?
K-JOE
That my technique, my balance and my mind must be as one.
MASTER STANK
What else?
K-JOE
Always look your opponent in the eyes but never gaze into them.
MASTER STANK
What else?!
K-JOE
To glide like a Falcon, be strong like an ox and quick as a thief.
MASTER STANK
I am proud of you K-Joe, you've come a long way. You are by far my best student.
K-JOE
Thank you Mater Stank. I owe it all to you. You have trained me well.
MASTER STANK
Yes I have haven't I. I remember giving you your first lesson when you were a young tender boy, now look at you...
Master stank looks at K-Joe like a starving man looks at a piece of meat.
MASTER STANK
Yes, just look at you now, from a young tender boy to a handsome stud.
K-JOE
(uncomfortable)
Maybe I'd better put my shirt on.
MASTER STANK
Yes, but do it slowly.
K-JOE
(uncomfortable)
...Yes master.
K-Joe can feel Master Stank staring at him as he puts his shirt on.
K-JOE
Ahhh, I'm done for the night so I'm gonna go ahead and head ho--
MASTER STANK
I want to have a word with you K-Joe.
K-JOE
...Okay, I guess Rashonda will just have to wait. What's on your mind Master Stank?
MASTER STANK
Have heard rumors about me having a drinking problem?
K-JOE
Yes, I am afraid I have heard of these vicious lies.
MASTER STANK
Well the rumor is true, so are the lies. I'm ashamed to say I have a problem.
K-JOE
Yes, I can smell your breath from here.
MASTER STANK
I'm working on it okay!
K-JOE
I meant no disrespect master.
K-Joe bows respectfully.
MASTER STANK
You are older but you are still young, you do not know what a woman is capable of, she drove me to drink.
K-JOE
Who, your wife?
MASTER STANK
(sarcasm)
Who else would it be, my mistress?
K-JOE
No, of course not, your mistress is cool as hell, I like her.
MASTER STANK
Me too, unfortunately drinking nor my wife is not the problem I'm concerned with at the moment.
K-JOE
Then what is it, gambling, strippers, gonorrhea?
MASTER STANK
No, it's my kidney.
K-JOE
I'm sorry to hear that master. Are you sure your excessive drin--
MASTER STANK
Yes, I'm sure! Now let's drop the alcohol and concentrate on my kidney, okay?
K-JOE
Yes, of course master.
There's a long pause as Master Stank goes into a melodramatic interlude.
MASTER STANK
I have fought many battles on and off of the mat, but this my young student is my greatest battle of them all. A battle that cannot be won with punches, kicks or grappling holds. In all my life I've never felt so weak, so venerable, so close to death.
K-JOE
Maybe you just need a laxative, or why don't you try this Kidney Flush they sell at CVS, you mix it up like a tea--
MASTER STANK
I've tried everything, teas, pills, elixirs, shots! My doctor says I'll die if I don't...! There's only one fix K-Joe.
There's a long uneasy moment of silence.
K-JOE
Why you looking at me like that? Wait a minute now, you're not asking for my... you're not asking me for my kidney are you?
MASTER STANK
No, it would not be honorable for me to do such a thing. The honorable thing would be for you to offer it to me.
K-JOE
How do you even know my kidney will be a match?
MASTER STANK
I can feel it. My chi says tells me it will.
K-JOE
Why don't you just ask your chi if you'll be okay with just one.
MASTER STANK
My left one was removed three summers ago.
K-JOE
I have the utmost respect for you Master Stank, and I owe you a lot, but it would be foolish to squander a good kidney on a bad habit. The best I do is offer you my CVS card.
MASTER STANK
I don't want your stupid CVS card you ungrateful little punk.
K-JOE
Wait a minute now--
MASTER STANK
No you wait! I taught you everything you know and this is the thanks I get?!
K-JOE
We'll actually I've been paying you every month so you should be thanking me.
MASTER STANK
Fight me for it K-Joe.
K-JOE
Come again?
MASTER STANK
Fight me, for your kidney!
K-JOE
I'm not going to fight you master.
MASTER STANK
Why not, are you a coward?
K-JOE
It was you who taught me to never let anyone talk me into a fight, but always protect myself, my honor, my dignity. Never be provoked--
MASTER STANK
Shut up! Shut up and take your shirt off pretty boy!
K-JOE
Did you just call me pretty boy?
MASTER STANK
Of course not, I said pity boy, I['m not going to have pity on you. As a matter of fact I'm gonna beat you so bad your mamma won't recognize you anymore. Now take your shirt off!
K-JOE
Sorry master but I'm keeping my shirt on and my kidneys in place. I wish I could help but Rashonda's waited long enough. I gotta go.
K-Joe bows then quickly tries to exit. Before he know it, half a dozen stars come flying by his head and stick into the exit door.
K-JOE
Have you lost your meditating mind?
MASTER STANK
You have not been excused K-Joe.
K-JOE
Then why didn't you just say that, instead of throwing stars at my head.
MASTER STANK
You're not leaving here until we fight. Your girlfriend will just have to wait a little longer.
K-JOE
How many times do I have to tell you, Rashondra's not my girlfriend, she's my bi-sexual lover.
MASTER STANK
Okay, let's say we make this fight more interesting.
K-JOE
So now you wanna bet?
MASTER STANK
No, a wager. If I win I get your kidney, if I loose you can have my...
K-JOE
Car?
MASTER STANK
No. How about my niece?
K-JOE
How about your car?
MASTER STANK
I'm not betting my car okay, I'm betting my niece.
K-JOE
With all due respect master, your niece looks like a male zombie, her hands are bigger than mine. Her skin looks so rough you can sand--
MASTER STANK
Enough! You have insulted my family and dishonored my dojo, and for that I will beat you to a pulp and take it out myself. I need that kidney! Fight me K-Joe! Fight me!!
K-JOE
For your car?
MASTER STANK
Yes, okay, for my car, I'll fight you for my car.
K-JOE
You got yourself a deal old man.
K-Joe takes his shirt off. Master Stank goes into another lustful trance staring at K-Joe.
MASTER STANK
You're gonna need to take off more than that shirt if you want to beat me.
K-JOE
Excuse me.
MASTER STANK
Nothing, just finish doing what you were doing.
K-JOE
You don't mind if I warm up a little do you?
MASTER STANK
I'd be offended if you didn't.
FIGHT MUSIC PLAYS.
K-Joe goes into an impressive warm-up routine, fast and furious.
MUSIC STOPS.
MASTER STANK
Not bad. My turn.
MODERN HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS.
Master Stank goes into his warm-up routine, slow and boring that does not match the music.
Master Stank finally finishes his warm-up.
MUSIC STOPS.
MASTER STANK
Let's dance.
They both get into a stance and square-off on each other.
K-JOE
What you are you gonna use, Drunkin' Style?
K-Joe laughs.
MASTER STANK
I'm about to teach you a new lesson young one.
The battle begins.
Kicks, punches, blocks and grabs.
MASTER STANK
Your combinations are fast but weak.
K-JOE
And your breath is hot and powerful.
The fight continues, a magnificent battle between young and old, youth and wisdom.
K-JOE
I can't wait to drive that car Master Stank. I may even swoop by and pick up your niece, take her back to the zoo.
MASTER STANK
You'll never get that car K-Joe, never!
Mater Stank begins breathing hard.
K-JOE
Looks like you're running out of juice, you wanna call it?
MASTER STANK
Never have I not finished a match. And this is no excep...tion... Agh!
Master Stank grabs his side and falls to his knees.
K-JOE
Master!
K-Joe runs to his side to help.
K-JOE
What's wrong?
MASTER STANK
My kidney, I think it just ruptured.
K-JOE
I'll call the paramedics.
MASTER STANK
Okay great... you're gonna need 'em.
Master Stank puts three fingers on K-Joe's chest, paralyzing him.
K-JOE
Aghh!
MASTER STANK
I see your brain has not yet caught up with your fighting skills young student.
K-JOE
(hard to speak)
What's happening?
MASTER STANK
I have taught you much but I have not taught you everything I know.
Master Stank licks K-Joe's ear in erotic fashion.
MASTER STANK
I can lick your ear all night and there's nothing you can do about it.
K-JOE
If only I could move, I'd rip you a new--
MASTER STANK
But you can't move can you? Shhh, don't speak, the answer is no. Even if you tried to fart right now you could not.
K-JOE
What is this hold you have on me?
MASTER STANK
This move was taught to me many years ago by a strange figure I met in a dark rainy alley. I'll never forget its dark red eyes, its rough blistering palms.
K-JOE
So that's how you met your wife.
Master Stank slaps K-Joe in the face.
K-JOE
I'm sorry Master, that was a feeble attempt to to ease the awkward position and excruciating pain.
MASTER STANK
Yes, I understand your desperation.
K-JOE
Please, tell me more about this mysterious hold you have on me.
MASTER STANK
Yes, of course of course. As I was saying, what you're feeling at the moment is called The Orange Chicken Effect, also known as The Three Finger Blackout. A perfect balance of pressure and pain.
K-JOE
(groaning in pain)
Yes I know, I know!
K-Joe taps-out.
Master Stank smirks then releases him.
MASTER STANK
Tapping-out was the honorable thing to do.
K-Joe tries to get his breath and composure back, then bows to his master.
K-JOE
Through trickery and lies you have defeated me.
MASTER STANK
Yes, but you fought well, grown wise and gained my respect my young apprentice.
K-JOE
That hold you had on me, it was fantastic, it was perfect, and so beautiful. Teach it to me master, please, I'll do anything.
MASTER STANK
Okay, I will teach you The Three Finger Blackout, on one condition.
K-JOE
Anything Master Stank, anything.
MASTER STANK
(in pain)
You ever hear of jello-wrestling?
FADE OUT.