Skitz-O-Phonics

That card

August 16, 2021 eArL (E.J.) Hamilton Season 1 Episode 17
Skitz-O-Phonics
That card
Show Notes Transcript

A young man visits an office to renew his expired card.
(Voice talent:  Kimberly Sellers.  Leland Campbell)

Support the show

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

There's a line of men waiting their turn to get to the
counter.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Next.

The next man in line heads over there, this is WAYNE
HUBBARD. He  sits in the chair in front of the desk. The
Screener looks sort of burly and can be easily mistaken for
a man. She just looks at him for a while... longer than a
while. Wayne begins to get uncomfortable.

WAYNE 
                      
                      I'm here for my--

SCREENER 
                      (deep scratchy voice)
                      
                      I know what you're here for, same
                      thing the everybody's here for but
                      you're not going to get it with your
                      minty fresh breath and good looks.

WAYNE 
                      
                      Okay, what do I need to do sir?

SCREENER 
                      
                      First off how about changing that
                      sir to a ma'am.

WAYNE 
                      
                      Oh, I'm sorry, I... didn't--

SCREENER 
                      
                      What's your name Hawk-eye?

WAYNE 
                      
                      Hubbard, Wayne.

The person behind the desk taps away on the computer
keyboard.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Hubbard Wayne or Wayne Hubbard?

WAYNE 
                      
                      Wayne Hubbard.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Well that makes things a lot easier
                      doesn't it.

The person behind the desk types on the computer keyboard
some more.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Birth date.

WAYNE 
                      
                      Mine?

The person behind the desk just looks at him.

WAYNE 
                      
                      Oh. 3-12-88.

The person enters the information into the computer.

SCREENER 
                      
                      I see your card expired two months
                      ago.

WAYNE 
                      
                      Yeah. I totally forgot to check the-

SCREENER 
                      
                      So you've been walking around for
                      two months with an expired card?

WAYNE 
                      
                      Yeah it kind of slipped my mind, you
                      know, wife, kids--

SCREENER 
                      
                      Roll your sleeve up please.

The person behind the desk wraps a blood pressure wrap
around Wayne's arm and does the test.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Relax. Don't move. Breath normal.
                      Hobbies?

WAYNE 
                      
                      Bowling-- I mean football... tackle.
                      Baseball too.

SCREENER 
                      
                      How about archery, you dig archery?

Wayne is trying to figure out if it's a trick question.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Do you dig archery Mr. Hubbard? Do
                      you enjoy Frisbee golf?

WAYNE 
                      
                      No, I do not dig archery nor Frisbee
                      golf.

The person behind the desk writes something down on his
form.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Do you smoke?

WAYNE 
                      
                      No.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Drink?

WAYNE 
                      
                      No sir... I mean ma'am.

SCREENER 
                      
                      And why not? What's stopping you
                      from drinking and/or smoking?

WAYNE 
                      
                      Well my wife... I mean I just
                      decided to give it up, but I do it
                      sometimes... when I want.

The person behind the desk writes some more.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Read that chart behind me Mr.
                      Hubbard.

WAYNE 
                      (Reading)
                      
                      I-M-A-T-O-O-L.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Cover your left eye and read the
                      next line down.

Wayne does as instructed.

WAYNE 
                      (Reading)
                      
                      I-M-A-T-O-O-L.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Congratulations Mr. Hubbard, looks
                      like you barley qualify.

WAYNE 
                      
                      Yes! Thank you.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Some of those answers were kind
                      of... shaky. Not to mention your
                      blood pressure was a little low.

WAYNE 
                      
                      Yeah it's a little different from
                      the last time I came in.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Yeah we have to be a little more
                      diligent in our tests, too many
                      unqualified guys slipping through
                      the cracks.

The person behind the desk signs a card and stamps it.

SCREENER 
                      
                      That'll be twenty-two fifty.

Wayne digs into his pocket and pulls out some cash, then
hands it to the person.

SCREENER 
                      
                      And here's your...

The person behind the desk is about to hand the card to
Wayne when...

SCREENER 
                      
                      Oh, wait. I'm sorry, there is one
                      last question I forgot to ask you.
                      It's a mandatory question they just
                      added last week.

WAYNE 
                      
                      So it's part of my interview?

SCREENER 
                      
                      I'm afraid it is. You're going to
                      have to answer this if you want that
                      card.

WAYNE 
                      
                      Guess I don't have a choice.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Do you wear boxers or briefs?

WAYNE 
                      
                      Is this the actual question or--

SCREENER 
                      
                      Yes it is. Boxers or briefs?

Wayne takes his time as he thinks long and hard.

WAYNE 
                      
                      Boxers.

SCREENER 
                      
                      I'm afraid that's incorrect.

WAYNE 
                      
                      I mean I wear briefs.

SCREENER 
                      
                      I'm sorry but I won't be able to
                      issue you your card today Mr.
                      Hubbard.

WAYNE 
                      
                      I thought it was a trick question, I
                      really do wear briefs, every day.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Who cares? The correct answer is "I
                      wear whatever I damn-well please." 
                      (to line)
                      
                      Next!

WAYNE 
                      
                      Please, the guys are playing poker
                      tonight and they won't let me play
                      unless I have that man card.

SCREENER 
                      
                      Real men don't beg.

WAYNE 
                      
                      I'm not begging I'm pleading. I took
                      the day off from work and waited in
                      that line for two hours. What do I
                      have to do to get that card?

SCREENER 
                      
                      Alright calm down, you're making a
                      scene.

WAYNE 
                      
                      I'm sorry I just really really need
                      that card.

SCREENER 
                      (whispering)
                      
                      Look, I'm gonna give you one more
                      chance okay, one last question. Get
                      it right you get the card, get it
                      wrong you go home.

WAYNE 
                      
                      Okay, but what if--

SCREENER 
                      
                      Relax, it's multiple choice. Its
                      actually pretty simple.

WAYNE 
                      
                      Okay great. I'm ready.

SCREENER 
                      
                      You're in line trying to get your
                      man card, you failed the test but
                      the Screener is trying to cut you a
                      sweet deal, what do you do? (A) Take
                      her out to a nice fancy dinner? (B)
                      Give her a nice hot oil massage? Or
                      (C) Come back and try again in six
                      months?
                                        
                                        FADE OUT.