A young man visits an office to renew his expired card.
(Voice talent: Kimberly Sellers. Leland Campbell)
A young man visits an office to renew his expired card.
(Voice talent: Kimberly Sellers. Leland Campbell)
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
There's a line of men waiting their turn to get to the
counter.
SCREENER
Next.
The next man in line heads over there, this is WAYNE
HUBBARD. He sits in the chair in front of the desk. The
Screener looks sort of burly and can be easily mistaken for
a man. She just looks at him for a while... longer than a
while. Wayne begins to get uncomfortable.
WAYNE
I'm here for my--
SCREENER
(deep scratchy voice)
I know what you're here for, same
thing the everybody's here for but
you're not going to get it with your
minty fresh breath and good looks.
WAYNE
Okay, what do I need to do sir?
SCREENER
First off how about changing that
sir to a ma'am.
WAYNE
Oh, I'm sorry, I... didn't--
SCREENER
What's your name Hawk-eye?
WAYNE
Hubbard, Wayne.
The person behind the desk taps away on the computer
keyboard.
SCREENER
Hubbard Wayne or Wayne Hubbard?
WAYNE
Wayne Hubbard.
SCREENER
Well that makes things a lot easier
doesn't it.
The person behind the desk types on the computer keyboard
some more.
SCREENER
Birth date.
WAYNE
Mine?
The person behind the desk just looks at him.
WAYNE
Oh. 3-12-88.
The person enters the information into the computer.
SCREENER
I see your card expired two months
ago.
WAYNE
Yeah. I totally forgot to check the-
SCREENER
So you've been walking around for
two months with an expired card?
WAYNE
Yeah it kind of slipped my mind, you
know, wife, kids--
SCREENER
Roll your sleeve up please.
The person behind the desk wraps a blood pressure wrap
around Wayne's arm and does the test.
SCREENER
Relax. Don't move. Breath normal.
Hobbies?
WAYNE
Bowling-- I mean football... tackle.
Baseball too.
SCREENER
How about archery, you dig archery?
Wayne is trying to figure out if it's a trick question.
SCREENER
Do you dig archery Mr. Hubbard? Do
you enjoy Frisbee golf?
WAYNE
No, I do not dig archery nor Frisbee
golf.
The person behind the desk writes something down on his
form.
SCREENER
Do you smoke?
WAYNE
No.
SCREENER
Drink?
WAYNE
No sir... I mean ma'am.
SCREENER
And why not? What's stopping you
from drinking and/or smoking?
WAYNE
Well my wife... I mean I just
decided to give it up, but I do it
sometimes... when I want.
The person behind the desk writes some more.
SCREENER
Read that chart behind me Mr.
Hubbard.
WAYNE
(Reading)
I-M-A-T-O-O-L.
SCREENER
Cover your left eye and read the
next line down.
Wayne does as instructed.
WAYNE
(Reading)
I-M-A-T-O-O-L.
SCREENER
Congratulations Mr. Hubbard, looks
like you barley qualify.
WAYNE
Yes! Thank you.
SCREENER
Some of those answers were kind
of... shaky. Not to mention your
blood pressure was a little low.
WAYNE
Yeah it's a little different from
the last time I came in.
SCREENER
Yeah we have to be a little more
diligent in our tests, too many
unqualified guys slipping through
the cracks.
The person behind the desk signs a card and stamps it.
SCREENER
That'll be twenty-two fifty.
Wayne digs into his pocket and pulls out some cash, then
hands it to the person.
SCREENER
And here's your...
The person behind the desk is about to hand the card to
Wayne when...
SCREENER
Oh, wait. I'm sorry, there is one
last question I forgot to ask you.
It's a mandatory question they just
added last week.
WAYNE
So it's part of my interview?
SCREENER
I'm afraid it is. You're going to
have to answer this if you want that
card.
WAYNE
Guess I don't have a choice.
SCREENER
Do you wear boxers or briefs?
WAYNE
Is this the actual question or--
SCREENER
Yes it is. Boxers or briefs?
Wayne takes his time as he thinks long and hard.
WAYNE
Boxers.
SCREENER
I'm afraid that's incorrect.
WAYNE
I mean I wear briefs.
SCREENER
I'm sorry but I won't be able to
issue you your card today Mr.
Hubbard.
WAYNE
I thought it was a trick question, I
really do wear briefs, every day.
SCREENER
Who cares? The correct answer is "I
wear whatever I damn-well please."
(to line)
Next!
WAYNE
Please, the guys are playing poker
tonight and they won't let me play
unless I have that man card.
SCREENER
Real men don't beg.
WAYNE
I'm not begging I'm pleading. I took
the day off from work and waited in
that line for two hours. What do I
have to do to get that card?
SCREENER
Alright calm down, you're making a
scene.
WAYNE
I'm sorry I just really really need
that card.
SCREENER
(whispering)
Look, I'm gonna give you one more
chance okay, one last question. Get
it right you get the card, get it
wrong you go home.
WAYNE
Okay, but what if--
SCREENER
Relax, it's multiple choice. Its
actually pretty simple.
WAYNE
Okay great. I'm ready.
SCREENER
You're in line trying to get your
man card, you failed the test but
the Screener is trying to cut you a
sweet deal, what do you do? (A) Take
her out to a nice fancy dinner? (B)
Give her a nice hot oil massage? Or
(C) Come back and try again in six
months?
FADE OUT.