Skitz-O-Phonics

Aqua-Firm

September 10, 2021 eArL (E.J.) Hamilton Season 1 Episode 20
Skitz-O-Phonics
Aqua-Firm
Show Notes Transcript

It's amazing what a quality mattress will do for you and your relationship.
(Voice talents:  Janice Island.  Ojinga Sims.  Michael Johnson)

Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/9F3fXjY)

FADE IN:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

SPOKESPERSON (V.O.)
                      
                      Does this sound familiar?

Mom and dad are getting dressed for bed.

MOM
                      
                      Aren't you going to brush your teeth
                      before you go to bed?

DAD
                      
                      No I'll just brush 'em in the
                      morning, I'm too tired.

MOM
                      
                      You're too tired? What about me? In
                      case you haven't noticed I'm doing
                      most of the physical work around
                      here but you couldn't even mow the
                      lawn today!

DAD
                      
                      Because I work all week! I just
                      wanted to watch the game, one lousy
                      game!

MOM
                      
                      Shhhh, before you wake the kids.

DAD
                      
                      We don't have any kids.

MOM
                      
                      I'm talking about our neighbor's.

DAD
                      
                      How come you're always riding me
                      about that lawn?

MOM
                      
                      Well what would you like me to ride
                      you about, the leaky faucet, the
                      broken window, the tree laying on
                      top of our house, the hole in--?!

DAD
                      
                      I can do some complaining myself you
                      know, how about you leaving the seat
                      down all the time, and that nasty
                      casserole you made for dinner?! Huh?

MOM
                      
                      That was my grandmother's recipe!

DAD
                      
                      I don't care if it was Mrs. Clause's
                      recipe, it's not meant for human
                      consumption! Taste like old soggy
                      biscuits. Reminds me of your butt!

MOM
                      
                      And what about that big belly of
                      yours?! You look like a fat hairy 
                      razorback!

DAD
                      
                      Alright Alright! Let's talk about
                      this tomorrow. Let's just go to bed
                      and get some sleep.

MOM
                      
                      Good idea! 

They take off their house shoes before they climb into bed.

MOM
                      
                      And make sure your fat stomach
                      doesn't touch me.

SPOKESPERSON (V.O.)
                      
                      Wow, this looks like it's going to
                      be a very rough night, but watch
                      what happens next.

Mom and dad lay down on their new bed. A drastic change
takes place. Suddenly everything is nice and calm.

MOM AND DAD
                      (relaxing)
                      
                      Ahhh.

DAD
                      
                      Hey baby, you're right, that lawn
                      looks hideous out there, I'm cutting
                      it first thing in the morning.

MOM
                      
                      What's the rush, Honey Bunny? Why
                      don't you and your friends go play a
                      few rounds of golf first.

DAD
                      
                      Nonsense, the guys and the game can
                      wait, consider that lawn cut. Oh,
                      and I didn't mean what I said about
                      your casserole, my taste buds just
                      haven't been the same after I burned
                      my tongue on that turkey leg last
                      week. And by the way, the house
                      looks great, you did an outstanding
                      job sweetheart.

MOM
                      
                      Thanks, I'm glad you appreciate the
                      things I do around here. And I
                      appreciate all the long hours you
                      put in at the office. In fact why
                      don't you let me give you a nice
                      long back rub, you look kind of
                      tense.

Mom begins tho give dad the back rub, and through the
spokesperson's speech we can hear dad's verbal pleasure. 

SPOKESPERSON (V.O.)
                      
                      Ha ha, it warms my heart to see
                      another satisfied couple. Hello, Leo
                      Sherman here to tell you about our
                      newest sleeper, The Aqua-firm Sugar
                      Soft mattress, we named it Sugar
                      Soft because it's made of the
                      sweetest and softest animals on the
                      planet. It's the only vice
                      presidential certified sleeper of
                      its kind. What separates us from the
                      competition is our padding which
                      incorporates three patented layers,
                      (whispering)
                      
                      the middle secretly infused with the
                      finest liquefied water there is,
                      (normal voice)
                      
                      giving you that perfect flow-motion
                      experience that separates your mind
                      from that tired body of yours. It's
                      so relaxing and ultra comfortable
                      you just might say anything.

DAD
                      
                      Wow, this massage feels fantastic
                      baby, I never realized how soft your
                      hands were, not as supple as my
                      mistress' but still decent.

MOM
                      (gritting her teeth)
                      
                      Did you just say mistress?!

SPOKESPERSON (V.O.)
                      
                      Buy the Aqua-firm Sugar-Soft
                      mattress today and have sweet dreams
                      tonight. 

DAD
                      
                      Hey baby, what are you doing with
                      that lamp?
                      (in fear)
                      
                      Baby? Baby?!

SPOKESPERSON
                      
                      You may wake up dead, but you'll
                      never be dead-tired.

DAD
                      
                      Ahhhhh!!!

CRASH
                                        
                                        FADE OUT.